Let's face it, getting rejected sucks. However, if you're the one who's doing the rejecting, here are a few ideas of how to break it off gently (or not).

IF YOU'VE JUST MET

"Sorry, I don't give out my number"

"You don't want to get involved with me, trust me"

"You're not my type"

"I have a boyfriend"


IF YOU'VE HAD ONE DATE

"Thank you for the drink. You seem like a nice guy, but I don't see this going anywhere. Best of luck."

"I'm not really feeling any chemistry."


IF HE WON'T LEAVE YOU ALONE

"I got back together with my ex."

"I recently met someone and things have gotten more serious."

"I just don't find you attractive." My friend Someone I know taught me an invaluable phrase today. It goes: "I don't see this going anywhere". This is going to come in handy for all those marriage offers. I feel ready to write a guide now. In fact, that was my other idea. I'm going to write a self-help guide, but it will be revolutionary because the whole guide will be written by YOU, so that you help YOURSELF while you write it!

God, sometimes I feel brilliant.

I have many other ideas, but I'm not going to expose them here, because I worry that others will steal them. in interest of conserving space on my mobile phone, I will regurgitate all our clever sms-witicisms here:

<- A: "You are so wonderfully weird."

-> A: "I mean, i don't even properly believe in god. I think i'm an animist!"

<- A: "I'm waiting in the security line with a little girl named lily and her 17 month old younger quintuplet sisters. yowzers. Each has a 'monkey on my back' body harness and is wearing a yellow jumpsuit. They're going to nyc for an update on the montel williams show."

-> K: "Oh my god, I just spit out half my lunch - chicken sandwich from upstairs. Those guys don't know how to cook like i don't know hindi!"

<- K: "I've only been turning on my phone for the past 2 nights to set the alarm so i'm not sure if you finished digesting that sandwich, but i totally agree." <- K: "I think we should boycott freedom cafe not based on religious bias but gastronomical bias." -> D: "I am silently judging you"

-> M: "I'm reading Ali & Nino. Great quote: 'a wise rule teaches: "before you trust your camel to allah's protection, tie it fast on to your fense"'. I dig!"

-> A: "If you could see this... fireworks for independence day, and in front of the display, a giant statue of Lenin, who lives on the roof of the building opposite us!"

<- T: "cingular is the devil. i can't pay b/c there is no "submit" button on the page. what the fuck! i'll try on another comp."

<- B: "You swam in the EAST RIVER? Ha ha.. Probably like swimming in the ocean in DAKAR"

<-E: "You are right, i do not think Bushwick is right for me."

<- A: "... reminds me of when i was a child eating dumplings..."

<- T: "Sweet! I see moose, crap in an outhouse, and eat grains! Plus seaweed."

<- T: "Im on the bus to portland. The driver is such a weirdo hippy freak. The west coast is so different than the east."

<- E: "Did you know that Mos Def was arrested? Also I am bored"

<- E: "Too bad you want to go to architecture school."

<- K: "... And he wont be crippled for long."

<- E: "I remember when... girls were goodie two shoes but now they turned to freaks"

<- E: "We won 2 awards: best bribery ever and most relentless fucking bribery. my friend gave the judges acid."

<- M: "Wow! Great! Amazing! Look, put three table spoons of salt in tepid water and gargle for real long. It is superb! And disgusting too."

<- M: "Oh! Whats wrong with us? Really too much. just got back from boiling walk in town. Urk. Give me the north pole please!"

Necessity.
Idiocy and other virtues.

ennui without order

• bike snob NYC
• ultraclay
• a tam in australia
• new york hack
• mikebot
• eurotrash
• this fish needs a bicycle
• on the face
• spicy children
• myasorubka
• massive red-eye
• jewschool
• malapoesia
• patently silly
• waiter rant

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